Registered Charity No: 1147459
What should I do if a member of my family is harmed by gambling?
1. Look after yourself, especially your health. You can help your relative only if you yourself are not under stress.
2. Encourage the gambler to take responsibility for their own debts. Endlessly paying their debts is not effective in helping them give up gambling.
3. Encourage two-way communication: encourage them to talk about their difficulties. Do not criticise or compel them to admit their wrongdoing; this will only push them further away from you, making them afraid to face you and their problems.
4. Support them emotionally: listen to their problems and encourage them to deal with the problems, helping them shoulder their own responsibility.
5. Oppose their gambling behaviour explicitly. For example, do not praise or congratulate them when they have a big win, do not use the money to celebrate or for shopping and never provide money for them to gamble.
6. Do not attempt to control the gambler: not only is it ineffective, it will also make you even more frustrated.
7. Assist the gambler to have a correct view of money. Many gamblers think that money is the solution to their problems. Help them understand that money has its limitations and encourage them to find alternatives to tackle their problems. Avoid blaming the gambler for the money they have lost, as this may give them an excuse to gamble again.
8. Pay attention to financial management. With the gambler’s agreement, assist them with managing their finance. For example, take control of the family finance. Notify banks and credit firms to stop lending money to them. In addition, be sure to not sign any documents that you are unclear of or act as a loan guarantor.
9. Do not help gamblers conceal facts to any financial compay: this not only breaks the law, but is not helpful for a gambler seeking change.
10. Pay attention to your own safety: when necessary, you can put important documents and properties in a secure place to make it easy to carry away in case of emergency. If you feel your personal safety is threatened, seek help from the police.
Notice to Family Members
The following outlines four key issues that family members must understand to help them find their footing in an uncertain future.
1. Financial and legal aspects: Establishing a “safety net”
This is the most pressing practical problem facing the family. Before they break down emotionally, the bleeding must be stopped.
- Clarify debt responsibilities (separate financial assets): Family members must understand that, legally, an individual is responsible for their own debts (unless it is a joint loan or guarantee). Family members need to learn how to legally protect their assets, such as changing joint account registrations and avoiding acting as guarantors indiscriminately.
- Stop “filling the gap” (stop paying off debts): This is the most painful but also the most necessary lesson. Institutions must educate families: “Helping him pay off his debts is not loving him; it’s harming him”. Paying off gambling debts only deprives the person affected by gambling of the opportunity to bear the consequences, indirectly encouraging them to continue gambling.
- Dealing with debt collection harassment: When faced with harassment from debt collection companies or illegal lending, family members need to know the legal procedures to follow (such as filing a police report, not revealing the whereabouts of the person affected by gambling, and not accepting intimidation) to ensure their own and their family’s safety.
2. Psychological and cognitive level: Breaking through myths and fantasies
Family members often harbor the illusion that “if I treat him well, he will change” or “this is the last time”. We need to help family members face reality.
- Understanding “Pathological Gambling”: Gambling addiction is a brain disorder (impulse control disorder), not simply a lack of willpower or moral depravity. This helps family members reduce irrationally scolding the person affected by gambling and instead approach the problem with the objectivity expected of a “patient”.
- Breaking the “Saviour” Complex: Many family members (especially spouses or parents) fall into a “co-dependency” relationship, believing they have a responsibility to save the person affected by gambling. Family members must realize: you cannot control his gambling behaviour; you can only control your own responses.
- Accepting the possibility of relapse: Quitting gambling is a long marathon. Family members need to be psychologically prepared and understand that relapse is often part of the recovery process. Family members must learn how to calmly cope with it rather than despair when it occurs.
3. Communication and Boundaries: From “Emotional Blackmail” to “Gentle Firmness”
In the past, family members’ communication patterns often involved pleading, scolding, or silent treatment, which were usually ineffective.
- Establishing and enforcing boundaries: This is the most crucial lesson. Family members need to learn how to set concrete boundaries (e.g. “If you gamble again, I will move out/stop giving you any financial support”) and always keep their word. Empty threats only destroy trust.
- Cutting off “enabling gambling”: Many family members unwittingly become “gambling enablers“. For example, lying to relatives and friends to cover up for the person affected by gambling, or providing the person affected by gambling with food and lodging so they can gamble without worry. Family members need to learn to recognize and stop these behaviours.
- Nonviolent Communication: Learn to express feelings without blaming. For example, instead of saying “You spendthrift” change to “When I see the debt increasing, I feel very scared and insecure”.
4. Self-compassion level: Rebuilding self-worth
This is the part that family members most easily overlook, but it is the most important part of the long-term war of resistance.
- “Loving yourself” is not selfishness: Family members often revolve their lives entirely around the person affected by gambling, losing themselves in the process. Organizations need to help family members rediscover their interests, social circles, and rhythms of life. When family members are doing well, they are more empowered to face difficulties.
- Detachment with Love: This is a sophisticated psychological state—”I love you, but I refuse to get involved in your mess“. It involves learning to emotionally distance yourself from the consequences of the behaviour of the person affected by gambling, no longer letting your emotions fluctuate with theirs.
- Seek support from like-minded individuals: Encourage family members to participate in family support groups. Knowing “I am not alone” and learning from the experiences of others will empower them to face future fears more effectively.
Summary: Action Guidelines for Family Members
- If we were to summarize the above topic in one sentence, it would be: “Shift the focus from the person affected by gambling back to yourself“.
- By educating family members to distinguish between “what I can control” (my wallet, my emotions, my boundaries) and “what I cannot control” (whether the person affected by gambling gambles, whether the person affected by gambling lies), family members can regain control of their lives in an uncertain future.
